How did a fuddy duddy quilted purse become an iconic fashion accessory? What women are going to look good in that hideous bomber jacket? And since when did Proenza Schouler start hating women's bodies so much?!

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to get medieval on corporate ears to be heard, when you have to stand up and shout at the top of your lungs to get services you're paying for but aren't receiving, and when you will have to be an automated telephone system's worst nightmare.
 
And you need to be ready for that day.
 
Get some armor to protect your vital organs from the corporate whiplash.
 
Wear the biggest baddest pair of keister-kicking boots you can get your feet into.
 
While tiny cooter-revealing skirts might make you feel like a superstar they will not impress your healthcare provider. Command respect in a floor length voluminous skirt - the kind you can hide weapons in.
 
Hide weapons in it.
 
Add polish to your look with a neat and trim capelet, studded cuffs (for most tough appearance), and acorn earrings to summon the courage and power to deflect lightening.
 
Go forth and irritate the h*ll out of your health care providers until you wear them completely down, and they take care of you the way they promised they would when they lined their offices with your paychecks.

So, you have caught your death of a cold, C'est grave! The cold, she is a vixen, n'est pas?
 
I am here to help you dress for this serious occasion. First of all, don't wear color. Wearing color shows an unbecoming level of optimism that may attract the vultures of fate. You want to stick to black and grey. It's important to appear to take your condition very seriously.
 
A large loose comfy chunky warm sweater will keep you feeling hugged as though by a big blanket. But this is not enough - next you must wrap your neck with a very big warm shawl or scarf - big enough to cover half your face. This will help you look as pathetic as you feel. Bottoms that are soft and warm are recommended. Slippers are more convincing than going barefoot which implies you are of stout enough health not to complain about a little cold. People who are really sick always wear slippers.
 
Have much tissue close at hand.
 
Art depicting skulls or bones will make you feel a little better because you still (presumably) have flesh on yours. For now, anyway.
 
Your mug may be bright and sunny, for all the evil eye knows you may have had it for ages. Cling to this mug with all your strength and beg someone to keep it filled with hot liquids. If you're truly on your deathbed you may as well make it a hot whiskey beverage.
 
Schedule an appointment with your local funeral home. You may survive this cold, but if you don't, it's the least you can do for your loved ones.

Let's not beat around the bush - 2012 was a big-*** $$$$$ of a year for most of us. This is why it's imperative to start 2013 off with the right attitude. You need to be ready to KICK ITS *** TO THE CURB before it wedges its boot in yours.
 
This is why you need to start with your head - put a tiara on it. A big one. The more you look like a snow queen with no feelings the better - chill the ### out of 2013 with a single look.
 
It's wise not to go too punk rock because you don't want to suggest that you can't kick *** in a dress - if you don't know how to kick *** in a dress that needs to be your first goal of the year: learn to throw a hard hook while wearing a gown. Know how to deliver a side kick in long skirts. Go sequin short dress and wear a fetching long skirt underneath.
 
The message is: "You want my Gi-Gi? You're going to get through my layers first - and I'm not talking about my &&&& skirt!"
 
A little edge to keep your look from getting too curly is good - this can be accomplished with a leather or metal cuff. Spikes may offer a good after-blow to your hook.
 
Shoes: must be flats. Don't give me that ######## about kicking *** in 5" heels. I've seen you all in your spikes and all I can say is - they may make you feel taller but they don't make you stronger. Go with ballet flats or boots or sneakers - sequins, leather, ruffles, bows - it doesn't matter - but keep your feet connected to the earth and you will have 2013 whipped like cream.
 
Cheers t0 2013 being everything you make it be!

Foraging for nettles is a gentle activity but the most important thing you must keep in mind is that other people are doing less gentle activities in the woods with guns. To prevent an unfortunately early demise it is advisable to wear really bright colors on your person so that you don't accidentally look like a dear or a bear or a duck.
 
Early spring is a muddy time of year unless you live in arid climates, in which case you won't be finding any nettles in the first place. Wear wellies to keep your socks dry. They have the added benefit of protecting you from being stung by the nettles.
 
You can cut nettles with scissors, of course, but you will take your adventure more seriously if you cut them with an actual knife. The added benefit of using a knife is that if you run into any hunters specifically seeking out chic nettle foragers you will be armed with something more intimidating than scissors.
 
You will observe the abscence of gloves. Do you suppose that if you had to survive in the woods you would be clever enough to remember to bring gloves? If you meditate on the activity you are engaged in and become one with the nettles you'll probably still get stung but you'll feel very relaxed about it.